Shut Up
The only way I have ever known how to shut up is to speak louder
I wake up screaming
short of breath at 4:40AM
I think “Jesus wept”
And so do I
April with the teal ribbons and t-shirts and signs for Sexual Assault Awareness Month pepper the campus and all I can think
Is “yes, I am very aware that I was assaulted”
So as I continue to work through this healing let me speak loud
Because to shut up would be to repeat the past
To shut up would be to shut down
The only thing thing that needs to shut up is the guilt and the shame
So I will speak my freedom in its place
I will speak it loudly
If and when I wake up screaming again I will not be ashamed that I was trapped in a tiny space in my mind
That I froze
That I had no words
I am going to shut up the the lies that it was my fault
And replace it with the truth that I did not consent
That I am not to blame
I am going to shut up the ever wandering thoughts of if it would have even happened at all if I had not gone out of the house that night
If I had never stepped foot into that theater
If Nicholas Cage never made the movie “Gone in 60 Seconds”
Would my life be different now?
I am going to shut up the guilty thoughts that 1+1= some insurmountable 2 and that what happened to me was a punishment for not giving a full account for where I was going that night or for unsuccessfully trying to sneak a cigarette before the movie began
I am going to shut up and shut down any inkling of an idea that what I was wearing was an invitation even though shame caused me to never wear that shirt ever again
The freedom I speak must be louder than the the screams at 4:40AM
So I must practice my breathing outside of those panicked flashbacks so the breath in my lungs is strong and reaches the ears of those who also need to hear that it was not their fault either
I am speaking to you today in April because as much as I hate this month and I hate the reminders
I will not and cannot sit silent in shame and guilt
I do not feel the need to bring awareness that sexual assault exists but that life after does
Life after where you realize it is not your fault
Life after where you don’t have to sit in silence
Life after where you talk to whomever (as many or as few folks) as you would like to
Life after where you to do not suffer in silence
Where you don’t shut up
Because to shut up would be to repeat the past
To shut up would be to shut down
And I was born to take up space
Someone with a face I cannot even remember tried to take that away from me
But that’s a power I cannot give away
I will not give away
The only way I have ever known how to shut up is to speak louder
And so I will
This is just a part of my story
And I will not
Shut
Up
