White Flags

April

Every April

Green grass dotted with white flags

Greet me daily as I enter my place of employment

Empowering some

Triggering others

Me

I am others

Me

I am some

It depends on the day

Depends on the frame of mind

The memories in my body on any given day and time

The truths I choose to believe

Green grass dotted with white flags

Signs of survivors

Cutouts of teal figures

Covered in statistics

1 out of every

3 out of every

I am not alone in my pain is what they are telling me

But all I know is that at night walking home those teal

figures turn from teal generic gingerbread cutouts 

To gendered teal girls in dresses

They very much represent teal women

They are me and I am them

And they haunt me as I cross campus 

To journey home 

Where I will sleep to dream 

Where I will sleep to dream 

And pray those dreams don’t turn into nightmares

That wake me with swallowed screams and silent tears

April

Every April

I hope to feel strong

But not until I understand that strength is in allowing

myself to breakdown

Will strength really come

That strength is in not swallowing the screams

And crying out loud

And feeling my pain

That strength is in owning and remembering without blame

That is when April

Every April

With grass dotted with white flags

Will stop making me feel like a victim of a month that is

supposed to empower me 

When I find that strength 

I think I will find my way back on the path to freedom

***If you or a loved one are in need of support www.raiin.org is one of many great resources